It's Out Of My Hands

Dear Rach,

It's been almost two weeks since my last blog entry. Until now, I simply haven't felt compelled to write. Not sure why. I've thought about you just as much as ever, but didn't really have anything specific to write about. Or maybe I did and I just didn't know what to say about it. Let's see where this rambling takes me.

We received an ominous envelope from the Commonwealth Attorney's office in Virginia Beach a couple of weeks ago. Your dad has been subpoenaed to testify in the trial against the man who killed you. I hesitate to state his name here. I don't think there's anything I could say that would jeopardize the trial, but better safe than sorry. Plus, just typing his name (or saying it out loud) is painful. It hurts because we all knew him and welcomed him into our home. I put a lot of thought into the birthday and Christmas gifts we bought for him. I prepared certain favorite meals he'd enjoyed in the past, just as I did for you and Amy. We helped pay for his airline tickets to come out here with you and Shaylyn, and my parents used their frequent flier miles to help fly all three of you to Oregon for a summer visit with us. When we thought of you, we thought of all three of you. All this makes it just that much more painful.

Or does it?

I sit and listen to the parents in the support group your dad and I attend once a month (very similar to Compassionate Friends) and wonder how much more difficult this would be if you'd died a different death. What if you'd taken your own life? Or been killed in a random car accident (maybe due to a drunk driver or falling asleep at the wheel)? Or been killed by a stranger whose identity was never known. Is it easier to be able to point a finger and say "guilty" and know it to be the truth? Or is it even more painful because we trusted this person and now feel an enormous sense of betrayal? Is any death easier??

There's really no sense in asking these questions. None of the answers will bring you back. None of the testimony will bring you back. None of my anger will bring you back. It's going to be extremely painful to sit in that courtroom and actually see the person who pulled that trigger, robbing us of all we'd hoped and dreamed of for you and Shaylyn (and Amy and us). But if Rod's testimony and presence helps the jury to find the defendant guilty, then so be it.

As with everything connected to this nightmare, it's out of our hands.

On the brighter side (which I continue to try to look for these days), we'll get to spend some time with Shaylyn while we're in Virginia in May. How can I not look forward to that? She's all we have left of you.

I love you.

Les